YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN ...

• "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.

• Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.

• All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.

• At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

• Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

• Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

• In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

• It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

• It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

• It takes twice as long to look half as good.

• It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

• Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

• No one expects you to run into a burning building.

• People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

• People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

• Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.

• The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

• The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.

• The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

• The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

• The pharmacist has become you new best friend.

• The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

• There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

• Things you buy now won't wear out.

• When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

• When happy hour is a nap.

• When tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.

• When you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.

• When you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.

• When you have a choice of two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home earlier.

• When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

• When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.

• When you stop buying green bananas.

• When you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

• When you were in school there was no history class!

• When your birth certificate says expired on it.

• When you're told to act your own age, and you die.

• You and your teeth don't sleep together.

• You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 96 around the golf course.

• You are proud of your lawn mower.

• You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

• You burn the midnight oil until 9:00 P.M.

• You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

• You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

• You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

• You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.

• You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

• You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.

• You don't remember being absent minded.

• You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.

• You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

• You feel like the morning after when you haven't been anywhere the night before.

• You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

• You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

• You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

• You get exercise acting as a pallbearer for friends who exercise.

• You get winded playing chess.

• You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

• You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.

• You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

• You just can't stand people who are intolerant.

• You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

• You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."

• You look both ways before crossing a room.

• You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.

• You look forward to a dull evening.

• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

• You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

• You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

• You sing along with the elevator music.

• You sink your teeth into a steak ...and they stay there.

• You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

• You start video taping daytime game shows.

• You take a metal detector to the beach.

• You turn off the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.

• You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.

• You wear black socks with sandals.

• You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

• You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.

• You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

• Your back goes out more than you do.

• Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.

• Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

• Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

• Your ears are hairier than your head.

• Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

• Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

• Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

• Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

• Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

• Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

• Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.

• Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.

• Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

• Your pacemaker raises the garage door when you see a pretty girl go by.

• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

• Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

• You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

• You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

• You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

• You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.