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Birthday Humor Books from

1,003 Great Things About Getting Older
Age Happens: The Best Quotes About Growing Older
Age is a Laughing Matter: How to Laugh Through the Second Half of Your Life
Happy Birthday...Blah, Blah, Blah
Don't Count the Candles: Just Keep the Fire Lit!
The Golden Years are a Crock
I'm Not over the Hill, I'm Simply Too Old to Climb It
Happy 30th Birthday: A Book of Wit and Wisdom
Happy 40th Birthday: A Book of Wit and Wisdom
How to Survive Your 40th Birthday
Happy 50th Birthday: A Book of Wit and Wisdom
What Do You Mean I Am Fifty?
The Big Five-Oh! Fearing, Facing, and Fighting Fifty!
You Know You're Over 50 When...
What You Don't Know About Turning 50: A Funny Birthday Quiz


  • "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
  • Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
  • All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
  • At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
  • Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
  • Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
  • In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
  • It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
  • It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
  • It takes twice as long to look half as good.
  • It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
  • Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
  • No one expects you to run into a burning building.
  • People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
  • People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  • Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.
  • The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
  • The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
  • The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
  • The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
  • The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
  • The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
  • There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
  • Things you buy now won't wear out.
  • When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
  • When happy hour is a nap.
  • When tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
  • When you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.
  • When you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
  • When you have a choice of two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home earlier.
  • When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
  • When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.
  • When you stop buying green bananas.
  • When you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
  • When you were in school there was no history class!
  • When your birth certificate says expired on it.
  • When you're told to act your own age, and you die.
  • You and your teeth don't sleep together.
  • You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 96 around the golf course.
  • You are proud of your lawn mower.
  • You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
  • You burn the midnight oil until 9:00 P.M.
  • You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
  • You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
  • You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
  • You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
  • You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
  • You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.
  • You don't remember being absent minded.
  • You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.
  • You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
  • You feel like the morning after when you haven't been anywhere the night before.
  • You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
  • You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
  • You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
  • You get exercise acting as a pallbearer for friends who exercise.
  • You get winded playing chess.
  • You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
  • You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.
  • You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
  • You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
  • You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
  • You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
  • You look both ways before crossing a room.
  • You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.
  • You look forward to a dull evening.
  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
  • You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
  • You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
  • You sing along with the elevator music.
  • You sink your teeth into a steak ...and they stay there.
  • You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
  • You start video taping daytime game shows.
  • You take a metal detector to the beach.
  • You turn off the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
  • You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
  • You wear black socks with sandals.
  • You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
  • You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
  • You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
  • Your back goes out more than you do.
  • Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.
  • Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
  • Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
  • Your ears are hairier than your head.
  • Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
  • Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
  • Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  • Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
  • Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
  • Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
  • Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
  • Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
  • Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
  • Your pacemaker raises the garage door when you see a pretty girl go by.
  • Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
  • Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
  • You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
  • You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
  • You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
  • You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

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